Friday, 13 December 2013

When i tried to establish breastfeeding

Omg it has been half a year since my last post! My sad blog. I just fed baby and seeing him so cute, healthy, content, sleeping well - reminds me of the first few weeks when i was struggling to establish breastfeeding.

Actually, i am really a super lazy ass girl. I don't read much about breastfeeding or formula feeding or whatever. I only know i want to breastfeed. That's all. No reason, i thought everyone supposedly try it, if can then continue.

Then, people started to telling me that breastmilk is the best and everyone can breastfeeding. I remember at first time i still answered people like, "i don't know whether my boobs can produce milk or not." Coz in my family there are a few who can't produce so i also don't know how about myself. I even haven't prepare breast pump yet at that time.

Then one of my aunties keep on telling me that everyone can breastfeed (she herself didn't breastfeed. At first the milk didn't came out yet, she got breast massage and it is so hurtful she traumatized by it and gave up. She said to me that she regret that she gave up. She said that time she didn't have much knowledge bout breastfeeding yet). She kept on encouraging me because she attend a seminar in her office, the seminar is bout breastfeeding so now she has knowledge bout it. Later, she is really helpful and she is one of the people who makes me success establishing breastfeeding. Thanks so much! ♥

Then i also attend lactation session 1 time at the end of my pregnancy. The lactation consultant said that everyone can breastfeed, she taught us about latch on, etc. I was sooo optimist that i also will establish breastfeeding easily.

Then the day came. I gave birth by c-sect. As it is unplanned c-sect, i can say that i haven't have much knowledge yet coz i didn't do the research for c-sect things!

Doctor placed baby on my chest but not for too long. Baby has not found nipple yet and i had to separate with baby already! Hiks. Whole night i separated from baby (i think i came out from surgery room around 11 pm?). Nurse delivered baby the next day in the morning.

Baby came and i started to let baby latch on. As i already joined lactation session and i know how is the right latch on position, i can say i am lucky that baby can latch on well!

For 3 nights in hospital, baby roomed in with us (me and husband) for almost 24 hours a day. Only separated when nurse take baby to bath. Baby cried (of course) and everytime he cried i let him suck.

Everytime nurse asked whether my breastmilk has came out, i said i don't know (i am a first time mommy right? Lol). Until a nurse saw me while i am feeding baby (though i dont know if there is milk or not - i just let baby suck), nurse said i got breastmilk already by seeing the baby's lips wet. Then she expressed my breastmilk using her hand to show me the milk. I remember my reaction was, "oohhhh jadi itu asi?" Hahahaa.

Baby's doctor also came one time while i was nursing and he saw me. He said that baby is good at sucking already. Wah i was so happy lah, though baby cried a lot too and want to suck everytime, despite being exhausted, i believe in myself so much - that my body will always make the exact amount of milk which my baby needs.

Until.... i was too exhausted - not because of baby's crying. But because of people's words!! One thing i learned from my experience: don't listen to people as people have different style of raising child and believe in yourself that you know the best for your child.

Before, even though baby cried a lot, i didn't get stress because i already read that baby's only language is crying. So crying does not always mean hunger!

But since people tried to teach me this and that. I got stressed. And when baby cries, people always assume that baby is hungry. They kept on telling me that my breastmilk is insufficient and baby is hungry therefore crying. They touch baby's chin or cheek and as baby has that rooting reflex, baby will always open mouth when got touch. I actually has read it before but as i am a first time mom - i was not strong enough. People told me that baby is hungry because baby opened the mouth.

I started to get stress. What i believe in myself regarding breastfeeding started to gone. I started to wonder is my breastmilk really insufficient? I still tried to stay strong by replying to people that baby does not need to drink much yet and etc which i learned from lactation session or read from other source. People said i am crazy to make baby starving, etc etc.

Then the other nightmare came, confinement lady. She also kept on saying to me that my breastmilk is insufficient!! She kept repeating it again and again and again everytime baby cries. Baby cried at midnight, she said my breastmilk not enough therefore baby cannot sleep well. Wtf! Baby does need to suck a lot at the early weeks to help you establish breastfeeding. I know why many people giving up breastfeeding, coz it is real hard to establish. Really need patience and support. If i listened much to people and the confinement lady - i think i will not breastfeeding anymore now.

I think about 2 nights i stayed in the same room with confinement lady where she kept on telling me ALL THE TIME that my breastmilk is insufficient. Fuck you, you should have been supporting me instead of making me even more stress! ( i used harsh word as i really really dislike the confinement lady i had - but that is for another post - having her was a nightmare for me. Even thinking of her now while writing this makes me angry coz she is really a nightmare )

Coz confinement lady kept on making me stress by saying i dont have enough milk and i dislike her already (not for only this), the next day i moved to master bedroom to sleep with my husband - co sleeping with baby. As baby is still so young and still wakes up a lot, at 2 am baby cried. My husband who was tired of working and all, reached his boiling point. He said lets give baby formula. At that day, i already asked him to buy a can of formula coz i already thought that my milk was not enough (because of people's saying!!!!). So confinement lady give baby 30ml and baby slept through the night, slept until 7 am in the morning!!

I had been crying a lottt since i first get stressed out. I cried day and night. I cried because of everything. Because i started thinking i have insufficient milk, because suddenly i have someone who i dislike (confinement lady) in the house, because i feel not comfortable in my own body, i feel sad, i cannot help my husband working, etc. Despite of knowing already that stress can make milk not flowing, but still i cried like crazy (maybe baby blues). At that time only 3 people have faith in me that i can do breastfeeding: my husband, my auntie who i mentioned earlier, and auntie in hongkong who kept on asking for tips from a friend who is breastfeeding.

So, after baby got his first 30ml formula and slept for 5 hours straight, i knew it is not right. I knew i must not give baby formula anymore coz if i give more, confirm 100% milk supply will be really become insufficient because baby don't suck ( no trigger - no demand ). Formula is harder to digest that is why baby sleep longer (feel full for longer time than breastfed baby).

We went to doctor for baby's 1st check up and the birilubin is high! Baby only passed meconium a bit when he was still in hospital and that's all. Maybe my milk did really not flowing well as i stressed out. Also we haven't sunbathe baby at all! (Confinement lady also don't do wtf)

We checked in into the hospital and baby was given blue light. Mother in law also came to stay with us in the hospital.

Ohya i forgot to tell, at that check up session, i gained back my confidence. Doctor asked me if i still breastfeeding. I said that we gave a 30ml formula. Doctor asked me why did i do that because i and baby were actually doing great when he visited me while i was nursing! So i was like wtf i must not listen to people who made me lost faith in myself - thinking i cannot produce enough milk.

So i started to be less stressed. But still, we gave baby another 30ml formula that night. When baby cried and i was pumping ( first time pumping - rent breast pump from the hospital - coz i want to measure how much milk i can get to prove to people i have enough milk so people can stop giving me stress), with mother in law there ... with a heavy heart, we gave baby formula. After that, baby passed meconium. Mother in law said that it is good for baby to had the formula as the meconium is out now. I remember i smiled weirdly to her coz actually i was kinda sad.

And the result of the pumping is i got 30ml! I happily announced that baby is eating 30ml and i also pumped out 30ml! Proof that body always make the amount baby needs! (I do feed on demand btw). Since that, nobody push me to give formula to baby anymore. And that is how i established breastfeeding. So total of the formula baby had until today is those 60ml. I am glad i can passed through the hard times and not giving up.

My milk supply is sufficient though i dont have stock in the refrigerator / freezer because i rarely do express breastmilk (i feed on demand). I only express breastmilk if i need to be separated from baby eg when i go to wet market for grocery shopping.

So, yeah establishing breastfeeding is kinda hard. Had sleepless night and so exhausted. But all you need is to be strong, not giving up easily, have faith and believe in your own body, get as much support as you can, and don't listen to people much (limiting visitor is a good way).

You know what, until now ya.. there are still people who think that i do wrong. People told me that baby must be given plain water. But as i know, exclusive breastfeeding means we gave nothing else including water except breastmilk. So i stick to my own decision to not give water to baby.

Believe in yourself !

No comments:

Post a Comment